01 The $$60,000,000,000.00 Man

Airdate: April 1, 1998
Source: DVD release
Transcribers: Versaphile and TBD

Transcript cleanup and dub transcription TBD

Table of Contents

Summary

There are many rumors circulating about Vash the Stampede, but few people have actually seen him. Confusion follows as a couple of bounty hunters and two insurance girls separately try to find the real Vash, but only one of the bounty hunters guesses right. The other bounty hunter and the two girls think the first bounty hunter is Vash and even more confusion comes. In the end, the girls can’t believe that the real Vash is who he actually is, because he’s too nice and silly to match up with the rumors about “Vash the Stampede.” (TVDB)

Raw Sub Transcript

Vash the Stampede?
Yeah. They say the man with $ $60 billion on his head…
…showed up in Dankin Town.
Didn’t you hear?
So, what happened?
They say the town got wasted!
Dankin was buried in corpses.
The coffin maker got so rich, he built himself a mansion made ofwood!
That’s nuts!
What’d you expect?
Messing with Vash is like waltzing with Death.
He kills women and children, and picks off any town he pleases.
The Humanoid Typhoon is the perfect name for him!
What the f?!
I finally found you.
One night, and look at this.
I didn’t believe the rumors, but he really is a typhoon.
Over half the town is rubble!
That’s a real shame.
At least he made the undertakers happy. What did he get, 100? 200?
Actually, zero.
Countless people were injured, but there were no fatalities.
I guess you don’t need God for a miracle.
What did he look like?
He’s a short-legged, earringed giant in red.
I didn’t get a look at him myself.
Thanks.
Whateveryou do, stay away from him! Foryour own good.
Red…
The area of Dankin is nearly demolished.
All residents, please go to your designated shelter areas.
The next update will be at 1.30 pm.
Please enjoy our musical selection.
What’ll it be?
A banana sundae.
A gateau mille-feuille with Ceylon tea!
Listen missies, the gag won’t work unless you order milk!
Then we’d give you all the milk you want!
Although it wouldn’t be free.
But I don’t want milk, I want Ceylon tea.
Hey!
I’m so sorry!
You clumsy bitch!
I broke another sling.
You have a spare, don’t you? Be more careful.
I will!

What is she?! – A monster!
By the way, mister, we heard that Vash the Stampede was in Felnarl…
Vash? Who are you two?
Are you innocent-looking things after the $ $60 billion reward?
Not at all.
We’re here on business.
Business?
Well, I didn’t see him myself…
…but they say he left town before dawn.
They say he went east.
Can you tell us what he looks like?
He stands about 12 feel tall and wields a huge weapon.
And he’s supposed to have a Mohawk.
He has tons ofhenchmen…
…and is the worst kind ofwomanizer out there.
Ma’am!
A man with a huge weapon and a Mohawk.
That’s him, all right!
Where’d he go?
Find him, even ifyou have to dig up the entire area!
But, boss, you think that yellow coward was really him?
I can’t believe it. Let’s move on.
You’re real big to give me orders.
You saw what he was wearing! Get him!
Get him or I’ll break your neck!
Yes, boss!
I thought I’d suffocate.
You!!
Pardon me, won’t you?
Thanks to you guys…
…I almost went to pieces.
It’s a miracle I got away.
I found him! He’s over there!!
Perfect!
He thinks he’s funny.
Hunt him down.
I’m hungry.
Persistent, aren’t they?
Ha ha ha! I’m like a standing target over here!
You…
Don’t move now! I’ve got you in my sights!
Boss, he’s over here!!
Er, I’d ratheryou lowered the gun quietly.
Forget it!
Surely you don’t like pain?
I’m used to it.
Your little wife and kids are crying.
I’m single, and no girl has ever looked my way.
What a lonely life!
Like I’m saying…
…die. For our happiness.
I can’t do that.
Get down!
B-Boss!
Well done. I commend you.
You hurt your pal, too. Where’s the justice in that?

The pain… You hurt your pal, too. Where’s the justice in that?
We are not pals, we are partners in fate!
My happiness is his happiness!
That’s so beautiful.
So go ahead and shoot me…
…if that big gun ofyours isn’t just for show.
I can’t stand blood. The sight ofit makes me faint!
Okay, then! Let’s see what happens when you see your own blood!
You! Hold him down for my happiness!
See how devoted he is?
Ow, ow!
Could you be more gentle?
Good. Now to take him in to the Feds.
Ya-hoo! We’ll be rich!
Women? They friends ofhis?
Are they after our prize?
We’re going in.
Yes, ma’am!
What do you want?
P-Pleased to m-meet you!
I’m Meryl Stryfe from the Bernardelli Insurance Society.
I’m Milly Thompson!
Please accept this token of good will!
Smooth, ma’am!
What’re you doing here? You with him?
No! We’re here on behalf of the Bernardelli Insurance Society…
…for Vash the…
What?!
I finally found you, my $ $60 billion beauty…
…Vash the Stampede.
I am Ruth Loose…
…the bounty hunter called “Constance Rifle.”
Vash the Stampede, I’m here foryour head.
What?!

Ma’am! – This is bad.
I think I missed something.
It’s a privilege to meet you, Vash the Stampede.
Your head is starting to resemble a greenback.
You can’t blame me, since it is worth $ $60 billion.
What’ll we do, ma’am?
T-That goes without saying! We stop them!
Uh…
Hey! You said your name is Ruth?
Uh, listen!
I’m glad you enjoy your job, but I think you’re a little late.
Please listen…
Late? I don’t think so.
You idiot! Where are you pointing that thing?!
At a $ $60 billion skull.
Don’t be a moron!
The boss, Vash?! Where’d you get that idea?
I’m not fool enough to listen to no henchman.
That’s a mighty poor joke.
This is ridiculous! Quit wasting my time.
Don’t move!
Ashort-legged, earringed giant in red.
You are Vash the Stampede!
What are you talking about?!
Vash is a blonde man in a red coat, with a big gun!
N-No, he isn’t!
Vash is a man with a big weapon and a Mohawk!!
That’s strange.
The rumors don’t match.
What now?
What now?! We have to believe what we heard.
But…
At any rate, I’m not Vash!
Boss, look!
The Feds will pay $ $60 billion for Vash the Stampede, dead or alive.
I can kill you now, ifyou like.
Blonde man, red coat, big gun.
I see. You’re trying to get the jump on me…
…Vash!
What?
You even came up with a fake name! Nice plan!
Huh?
He’s gotta be the real deal! Let’s get him!
I see. So that’s how you stayed alive.
Blast him!!
Bastard!
Don’t push your luck!
The Humanoid Typhoon is loose! What’ll we do, ma’am?
What’ll we do?! Naturally…
…we run away!
While there’s life, there’s hope!
We have to give the town an evacuation order, or else!
But, ma’am, isn’t this like abandoning our duty?
Well, yes, but ifwe don’t contact the town…
Mm, these are really tasty!
How did you get those?!
Thanks! I was getting hungry! Danke, danke!
We didn’t come here to save you, you know!
Then what were you doing there? You go for guys like that?
I’m afraid you’re wrong! We came on business!
We’re disaster investigators for the Bernardelli Insurance Society!
So why are insurance people after a wanted man?
There have been over 300 Vash the Stampede-related disasters.
You can understand what kind of risk an insurance company takes.
Yeah, that must be rough.
That’s why we’re here to keep him under 24-hour surveillance…
…to prevent further damage!
24-hour WHAT?!
What’s wrong?

N-Nothing! – I know!
In exchange for this and the donuts, would you please go warn the town?
I’ll even lend you a thomas.
You’re going back there?
It’s our job.
It looks like it’s over.
Thank goodness there was no damage.
But didn’t the bounty hunter get killed?
Yes, it’s sad.
So how are we going to approach him this time?
This one’s a thirty-pack!
Way to go, ma’am!
lfyou are courteous, there is nothing to fear.
You’ve got a lot of nerve to come back here!
Uh, please accept this token of good will!
Where’s the guy who ran away with you?
W-We split up halfway!
It was so damned hard to track him down.
What did I ever do to you, Ruth?!
It’s you!
How are you alive?! Weren’t you fighting?
We each realized our mistakes.
Each?! You’re the one who screwed up!
Now listen! We split the pot 70/30!
Don’t you forget it!
What is this about?

Okay, let’s go! – Just a moment.
Ma’am…
I knew we shouldn’t have taken this job.
What good will this do?
Just enjoy.
You have bad taste.
I kind oflike it.
The rumor did say he’s “the worst kind ofwomanizer.”
Now is not the time to remind me.
Which will it be? Pleasure before death, or just death?
Boss, it’s an emergency!
What is it?!
I’m having an emergency!!

Why that… – He’s here!
It’s him!
Got him!
Run!!
Thanks for saving me the trouble oflooking foryou, Vash the Stampede!
Vash?
He’s gone! Where’d he go?!
Where are you going?

To the potty, sir! – Oh.
He saved us, but…
…he’s embarrassing to watch.
All right! Corner him!
Uh-oh.
That’s far enough, Vash!
So, you wanna die by my boomerang, or do a suicide dive off the cliff?
Suicide?
I disapprove of suicide more than anything.
Then the boomerang you get.
What?!
It’s only fun until someone gets hurt!
You!!
Boss!

He got the boss! – He’s not human!
Such fragile bonds of trust.
And as foryou!
Look out.
Forwhat?!
Oops, too late.
Sorry. Get well soon.
Amazing! He got both of them.
It’s as ifhe were Vash the Stampede!
Did I work off the donuts and the $ $10?
It couldn’t be him.
Disaster report.
We have determined that the landslide which destroyed Felnarl resulted…
… from illegal use of explosives belonging to a man named Ruth Loose.
Please pay the insurance owed.
We’re back to less than zero on our Vash hunt.
And we can’t ignore the rumors… This is going to be difficult.
What about him?
That couldn’t possibly be him.
Really?
Vash the Stampede?
Yeah, they say the man with $ $60 billion on his head…
…showed up in Felnarl.

Didn’t you hear? – Nope. So, what happened?
The town is gone.
Funny thing is, they say nobody died.
You mean like, you don’t need God for a miracle?
There is something which cannot be expressed in words.
People’s emotions.
Emotions of the heart cannot be defined.
But there is one way to read the emotions.
Look into their eyes.
The girl lied to me. The gentleman lied to me.
But the moment I looked into their eyes…
…fate began to alter, to reveal the truth.
Just look into their eyes. There is only one truth.