Trigun Bookclub: pancake-breakfast: Trigun Maximum Volume 6: Coping Series: Meryl

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Coping Series: Meryl

CW: Trauma and Suicidal Ideation

Once we reach volume 6 of Trigun Maximum, I think it’s fair to say that no one in our party of protagonists understands Vash on an emotional level more than Meryl. After all, she’s the one who got a full dose of Vash’s emotions back in the Dragon’s Nest.

It seems like a lot of what we see of Meryl in Volume 6 is her trying to process all of that, which honestly would be rough for anyone. ~~We’ve seen how Vash himself is processing it and that can easily be summed up as “not well.”~~ It’s not exactly a surprise that she’s showing signs of depression and suffering from night terrors all throughout the first chapter. But in spite of the fact that Vash (likely inadvertently) traumatized her with both his history and the reveal of what he is, she remains so concerned about him.

The first action we see her take after coming across his memories isn’t to try and flee or defend herself from him, but to shoot at Legato. There are five superhuman beings stuck in a deadlock, and then there’s her, a mere normal human, and she’s the one who breaks that deadlock. She sees what she needs to do and, despite the tears in her eyes, she does it without hesitation to defend herself and her friends.

She may be small, but her power is adequate.

And when everything dies down, she’s the first to verbally check on Vash.

This question is kind of loaded, though. On the surface, she’s asking if he’s ok and back in control, but she could also be asking a myriad of things about what the hell even happened just now, or what happened in July, or how everything she saw about his arm in his memories has affected his wellbeing and how he’s coping.

Vash’s response is meant to reassure her, but it’s so vague it does little to dispel anything but the fear of immediate danger (be it to himself or to others around him). It’s no wonder Meryl is still haunted by so many thoughts and feelings after all this; they really needed to sit down and have a long talk about what happened both in the Dragon’s Nest and in what she saw in his memories. But they don’t. And so Meryl is left floundering.

It’s something that’s gonna bite them both in the ass sooner rather than later. Much, much sooner.

But again, as we move into the next chapter (“The Gunslinger”), Meryl’s primary concern still isn’t about Vash’s destructive capability. It’s about whether or not he’ll be able to survive his next gunfight. ‘Cause there’s always a next gunfight for Vash.

Sorry, I lied. That’s not the face of someone who’s afraid their friend won’t be able to pull a trigger to save their own life in the next gunfight (which is playing out in the now right in front of her for this scene). That’s the face of someone who is deeply concerned for her friend whom she know is absolutely drowning in the sorrow of his past actions, of having pulled a much bigger trigger than the one of the gun now in his hand (or even of the Punisher that Vash has seen fit to commandeer for this mission), and who has every reason not only to go to great lengths to never repeat the mistake of July again, but enough regret to possibly let even the lowest of lowlife scum put a bullet in his own head to keep that from happening.

She thinks of his angel arm, but her immediate thought isn’t, “Oh, no! What if he goes off again?” Her thought is, “Oh, god. He’s carrying waaaaay too much emotionally, it’s making him suicidal, and he is going to die here.”

So, then, what’s up with this reaction a few chapters later when Vash accidentally releases just a tiny bit of his power to stop a bullet?

My thought is this is the conversation Vash and Meryl didn’t have coming back to bite them both in the ass.

Meryl hasn’t had a lot of time to process these memories, and as best we can tell, she hasn’t talked about them to anyone. Wolfwood kind of gives her an opportunity, but instead the two of them get caught up in denying they know as much as they know. If they’d instead had a conversation about Vash, it might have helped Meryl find a place for some of this.

But the person she really needed to have that conversation with is Vash.

While Meryl’s flashback is of the events of the Dragon’s Nest, from what we saw at the end of the Dragon’s Nest arc and in the Gunslinger chapter, Meryl isn’t that afraid of Vash and his power. The one who truly fears Vash’s power is Vash himself.

Despite Vash having only recently regained his memories of July, he’s still intimately aware that he has immense raw destructive power. But it’s been over two years since he blew a hole in the moon, and even before that he had literal decades to build up the determination that (usually) keeps him moving forward when the horrors are too great. Meryl has had… what, a week? A month? A few days? Not nearly enough time.

If she and Vash had spent some time talking over what they both learned about him in the Dragon’s Nest, it might at least help Meryl recognize what parts of it are her and what parts of it are him. Even if it didn’t, it might have helped Vash contextualize her panic in this scene and find a better way to respond, or helped her to dig up the words for it before the boys ran off, since she would have spoken them them already in a more controlled setting.

But that didn’t happen. So instead, we get to see all of Vash’s fear and panic over what might happen if he loses control manifest in Meryl. And it manifests as screaming, trembling, and tears seemingly without end.

Thank God for Milly, or it might have resulted in her feeling the same kind of loneliness and isolation Vash feels, as well.

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